Last week, I received a call from my brother. During our conversation, he asked me: how come you don’t you have a boyfriend?
I found this very moving.
Two years ago, I had considered it impossible for any of my siblings to ask me that question. Yet, here I stood, phone in my hand with my brother’s voice questioning why “a good looking guy” would not have a boyfriend.
The answer was simple: I chose it – not to have a boyfriend.
As of this time of writing, I am a virgin. And, by that, I mean I have not had anal sex.
I have had opportunities for sex. But, I am a sucker for love and romance. These things (love and romance) seem to come with the added dimension of sex. Which, I am very willing to give and receive. But, only to the one I love.
I tell that to myself. And, others.
But, a response closer to the truth is: I didn’t want to be judged.
In Nigeria, being gay is stripped of its essense of love and romance. The question “Are you gay?” is an euphemism for “Do you fuck men?”
When straight people ask, it might be simply out of curiousity. Those disgusted are not unkind enough to ask – they don’t want to come off as rude. When gay people ask, it’s out of lust. Or, also simply out of curiousity to water their drying souls and convince themselves that they are not alone.
For me, It’s hard to engage in a “sin from the pit of hell”. All the times my kissing, smouching or “romancing” partners asked “do you want me to fuck you?”. My answer was always no. And, I meant it.
They were good looking and treated me well. But, I didn’t consider them worthy of engaging in the “sin”. Maybe i was jealous, confused or angry. Some of them had girlfriends I couldn’t bring myself to have. Yet, they asked from me what their girlfriends already made available to them. Even the world applauded them for being “normal” and having girlfriends that might turn to wifes. I hated myself for not being able to live a lie.
I have accepted that homosexuality isn’t the sin that people make it out to be. I believe it in totality. And, I have believed it for a while now. But, I have still chosen love. Love that is spiced with romance. Sex will come as by-product of these things.
I’ve felt love before. Every single one of it had been unrequited. I talk about it in this next post.
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